A Dissertation

On The Urban Prevalence of The Cheerleader Effect

That it exists within our society is a fact none may deny. That it pervades our very senses to the point of blindness is becoming a social epidemic without apparent cure.

Information and awareness being the most prominent tools of survival amongst all of mankind in this age, any data available that points towards its cause and its rapid, degenerative effect on men's minds is of extremely vital importance.

To understand how the 'Cheerleader Effect' preys upon our innocent minds ('our' referring to innocent men, the lot of us), we must first understand the nature of our mind itself. Man, you see, is a simple being. Unlike Woman. Woman is like cinematography in the Blair Witch Project. Man, on the other hand, does not go in for unnecessary complications. He sees straight, and he tells it like he sees it.

So when a gaggle of giggling girls passes by decked up in heels and in skirts and in lipsticks and in handbags, Man (a simple, shy, almost reticent being of Nature) does not see it quite like it is. Numerous scientific studies point that Man, being in his primal sense a hunter-gatherer, sees only a narrowed view of what lies before him.

As a result, instead of focusing on the unnecessary, and extremely irritating, details as are normally immediately spotted by Woman (e.g. "Aww! Your purse matches with the colour of your toenails today!! Wheeee!"), Man sees what is important. The keenly trained eye quickly eliminates the worthless and the insipid. A gaggle of giggling girls with one good ass, half a decent cheek, a mere hint of a worthy profile and one sparkling eye between them is totalled up and written down as "Good piece/item; Quantity: One".

Bang! Ladies and gentlemen, the Cheerleader Effect.

The author of this summarisation would venture to put forward the dark days he sees coming ahead. With more of such gaggles prowling the streets with an alarmingly high rate of increase in numbers, Man must protect himself. Alone on the streets, he stands at high risk of being ensnared. All Men, innocent and pure and simple, are strongly cautioned against travelling alone down posh streets and affluent avenues. The lilting scents, that bewildering, distant, silvery laugh, the swaying of hips too stuffed by half, can trap a Man within his senses. His mind turns in on him and down he plummets.

You are advised to travel in groups, and practice the administering of a sharp rap on the head whenever one of you stops in his tracks and gapes at a gaggle approaching.

Quick! They come. They come...