Monday, September 28, 2009

I Demand A Remake

The three men, in dark suits, gulped as they stepped off the helicopter. He smoothed his own suit and led the way into the cave-like opening. A tall, gaunt guard at the opening of the cave checked them for weapons. He snickered malevolently and let them pass through. Not that they dared carry anything in with them even slightly dangerous.

Inside, the cave floor was lined with large blocks of stone. The walls were smooth and painted white. More guards walked about in procession, armed with automatic weapons and grenades. With additional daggers and darts, the weaponry was on the ostentatious side, but considering the operations involved, it was difficult to trace the line which marked sufficient from extraneous arsenal. He understood all too well, wishing he didn't need to come here so often.

A guard came up to them, and gestured curtly for them to follow. In single file they proceeded deeper into this cave, this stronghold of the most dreaded terrorist ever to infiltrate Indian jurisdiction.

As they walked, they could hear the constant beep of information being processed and exchanged, pertaining to matters they could only wonder at the nature of. More guards, more weapons and several more gates, each with a towering soldier for protection. Ostentatious, he thought, but also powerful. Very powerful.

The final door opened when the guard pressed the code on the keypad in front of him, and they entered into a vast hall with white pillars and a throne at the opposite end. There, he sat, watching them with his hawk-like eyes.

Was it anger he saw in those eyes? He couldn't tell from this distance. He hoped it wasn't. Once again, he gulped.

They were walked up to half the distance of the hall, until they stood in a line in front of him. Ready to be praised, he thought, and also ready to be shot.

But he had good news, which he knew would save him tonight. He knew that, but it couldn't stop the sweat from pouring down his forehead.

Now, the man sitting on the throne in front of them. Dressed in gold tasseled attire, he was regal. His hair was in locks, and when he stood he cut a mighty, majestic figure, ruthless in bringing order and obedience to his business of bringing chaos to the world. He rested his left hand on the arm-rest of his throne, at the end of which was a globe of the world. His fingers, ornamented with heavy gold rings, tapped the globe's surface - the symbolic gesture was not affected, he really did dance this world on his fingertips. The man, this lord of chaos, looked at the men before him and nodded, allowing them to speak.

They blubbered over one another, in getting the words out. The grain stores had been adulterated with stones up to half in weightage. They would be selling poor qualities of rice to the Indians for exorbitant prices. The entire nation's food supply would soon be controlled to his plans. Weapons had been supplied to the various insurgent groups in the country, with strict instructions as to their usage. Knowledge of IEDs was being disseminated to them. Soon the entire nation would explode in communal violence. Riots and bloodshed would drain the nation of all its unity. India would be his for the taking. They spoke about their misdeeds under his orders, each seemingly disconnected but essential to the overall scheme he was executing through them and through hundreds of others.

The man smiled. They could see his approval and they felt glad. They would all be alive to return home tonight. He smiled and he tapped on the globe at his fingertips. He looked at them with razor-sharp eyes, now liquid with malevolence and an embodiment of evil.

He looked at them, as they exhaled in relief and exhaustion, and he said - "Mogambo khush hua."

Monday, September 21, 2009

Jai Kisaan

Manipal, 21st September: Faced with the consequences of downsizing in the post-recessionist economic scenario, thousands of students have decided to abandon the desperate clammering for IT jobs and resorted to farming on Facebook's popular real-time simulated world, Farmville.

"Instead of spending 6 months training under an IT company, for a job which they may cancel at any time, I prefer the hands-on education and experience I get on Farmville. The very, real feeling of physical labor and toiling on a virtual field is well, very real", says one student.

Farmville's growing popularity is due to the satisfaction of productive employment it provides to users and final year students without the need of getting off their beds in the morning. A tremendous surge of Indian users is attributed to the nation's long history of agriculture and its influence in time-old Bollywood movies and mythological folklore.

BJP leaders hail this as a positive turn of events as more and more youngsters interact with each other across the nation, speaking in terms of cows and cherry trees instead of iPods and evil coffee.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Something's Wrong With The World ...

... when a newspaper cites a report declaring "Cancer linked to depression among patients".

Sunday, September 13, 2009

The [insert num] Rules To [insert good quality]

The path to inner happiness lies in being happy with your own self and making everyone around you happy too. He who is selfish and cruel to others will never find contentment. He who takes the last slice of cake will forever be plagued by indigestion.

The joy of living is in bringing smiles to the faces of your friends and family. Spread joy. Spread sweet happiness. Wake up with a smile. Eat dinner with your family. Don’t waste too much time watching television. Brush your teeth twice a day.

Be selective with your friends as you are with your clothes. Do not allow every wayfarer into your life. They will only bring sadness. True happiness lies in having a close knit circle of understanding friends. Remember to trust them and to show them your love and respect for them. Never be afraid to tell them how you feel. Massage their feet and lick their fingers.

Read the works of fine authors such as Paulo Coelho and Shiv Khera. The essentials rules of successfully running your life are contained in their beautiful masterpieces. Do not worry if life hands you the shortest straw. It only means that God has something special planned for you! Self help books sell millions and millions of copies. Every second person in the world should be giddy with joy and contentment. “Self-help book” is an oxymoron.

Work honestly. Come back home to a loving family. Give your best to your boss and give all your love to your spouse and your beautiful children. Understand their problems and play with them. Be silly with them, make faces at them and be a part of their lives. Your life will overflow with mirth and hours spent in warm sunshine. The laughter of children is the purest, most unadulterated happiness in the world. Try the same with your boss. A new job is life’s way of asking you to refresh yourself.

Follow the 7 stars to success, or the 8 rules to happiness, or the 63 guidelines to inner peace. You will surely reach your destiny. Remember, God has put someone special in this world just for you. Remember, God loves you. Remember, man too is capable of loving and living joyously if he thinks from his heart more often.

Pass this to 20 people and God will answer all your wishes. He’s been bored lately and is looking for weird kinky things to do with his time. Hence, me. Hence, this. Pass this to 20 people or mad monkeys will come and steal your genitals and scratch your face.

Your Choice

You are what you want to be. You are what you think of. You are what you speak. You are where you stand. You are the first thing that you want to write on a piece of paper. You are what you make.

Your wish is the command. Like the planets and the stars, you bend your universe around you. Everything takes the shape you give it.

Accept the responsibility.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Earth History

A civilization constructed physically impossible and geometrically daunting tombs for their dead kings, displaying unparalleled artistic and engineering abilities. Stone boulders more than twice the size of any man are placed in a circle, with astronomical significance and remarkable constructional precision. A man walked on water and cured the sick, turned bread into wine. The son of God was among us. Tracking by stars, ancient mariners exchanged and traded, in volumes not known and languages not spoken anymore. Mongols swept through Asia and ruled the world, sparing only the then barbaric European tribes, unworthy of even conquest. An Alexander dreamed to unite the world, and conquered in a single line of battle-field genius. He read the Iliad every night and died at age 33. An empire invented democracy and brought civilization to Europe. Power led to megalomania and thus was the fall of the Roman Empire. A descendant of the Mongols conquered India and established a dynasty that would define prosperity and unbelievable riches. In a continent yet undiscovered, a civilization quietly foretold the end of the world would come. A man wrote plays of the world and its people, their lives and their aspirations. He is still not forgotten, even if his authenticity is questioned. Kings, without number, ruled over lands, rode and killed, conquered and reigned in fields and over lives uncounted. Letters were passed, from empire to empire, and diplomacy was created by a man whose name grew to define treachery and deceit. Explosions tore the land as man began to play with fire. Can you count the screams and shrieks that fell to the cannon since the invention of nitre? Boys shoveled coal into fires, and died of asphyxiation, but a train was made to move and distances grew smaller. Ships navigated across ancient seas, finding new lands and madmen eating one another. A man dreamed and wrote of a flying machine and submarines and barometers. His dreams were answered within a hundred years of his death. Evil men set hegemony over a factious group of rulers, looting and draining the Golden Bird till all was emptied. Inventors changed the world, and fought for their right to a better life. Religion and science divorced and never reconciled. Revolutionaries were propped by a vicious human reproductive system, to rise and shout and lead and die. Their voices were to resonate till long after. The world changed, sometimes gradually, sometimes abruptly. It was changed by a philosopher, it was changed by a warrior, it was changed by an artist, it was changed by an inventor with a thousand patents to his name. Man ruled his worlds with utmost control and utter chaos. The world plunged into war, a war to end all wars. Men were pushed down and made to apologise, then shot. Angry men stood back up, to fight again. The world fought again. Inventors, innocent and destructive, made new arms to help man kill his neighbor. As diplomacies grew to wet blanket this madness, borders were settled, the world slackened and sat down, in front of the TV.

The art of reproduction, safer and more indulgent, spawned millions who grew to billions. In the limbo between two ages, if there is another one ahead, man struggles for meaning and for purpose. Disillusion, depression, anxiety, workaholic, global warming, empowerment, equality, racism, white collar, glass ceiling, 9 to 5, stock crashes, prime lending and the fabulous lives of celebrities. The icebergs are melting. The ozone layer is vanishing. Tigers are becoming extinct.

We are on the verge of a global nervous breakdown.

This is 5000 years.

How much do we know? What are we worth?

Homo Erectus, with an under-developed brain and no television, thrived for 1.25 million years.

Monday, September 07, 2009


Buffets confuse me. Even more than menus.

What really is the correct strategy?

1. Pay due respect to every cuisine offered. Indulge in small quantities of everything.

2. Take what you like, at that moment. Ignore the rest of the dishes.

The problem with the former is that you over-indulge. Walking back becomes very difficult.

The problem with the latter is the cruelty and discrimination inherent in such decision-making.