Wednesday, May 23, 2007

Illegitimati Nil Carborundum!

University exams have started. Its going to be a long war. Yesterday, in the battle of The Modern Physics Nonsense We Must Study, opposing armies fought hard and long. And I saw the horrors of war. High speed electrons bombarded your innermost orbitals. X-rays were thrown around. A single micrometer thin coating meant lights out for everybody. Lasers were directed in pulsed continuous waves. Fearless men stared up to the sky, their gaze blocked by a ceiling and fan. They gnashed their teeth, and tended wounds. Delirium struck some, insanity others. Men pulled out their hair in the futility and hopelessness. Silent sobs shook their firm bodies, despair shook up their strong minds.

Tomorrow we fight on the Field Of Math. Against bitter odds, facing the might of the Laplace, the Differential, the Double Differential, we march. Integral, armed with Double and Triple armour, comes against us too. So will the camouflaged Beta. And Gamma. And what not else.

But we shall be forever cheerful. Sufferance is the badge of all our tribe. We will outlast such horrors (for yesterday night I saw schindler's list). And hopefully come out not too badly scathed. Wish us luck as we pass. As we march. Or atleast, extrapolate our imaginations so.

*sigh* And thats whats up with me. You say.

Friday, May 18, 2007

To Live Is To Die?

Well, we're supposed to be selfish na? And its wrong to be concerned only with yourself? Its self-centred, self-obsessed and all that. Its wrong to only care for your own welfare. Only caring for our own happiness.

But still I dont see the happiness around. Neither in the self-obsessed nor in the selfless.

We cling to unhappiness, dont we? Sadness, misery, morbidity, all that - it has a certain charm to it. Its glorified around us.

What, after all, is happiness? Its so bland. Its There's no depth, no drama, no mystery and no wonder in it. Its just happens, and then goes away. While it lasts, it feels superficial.

Depression, on the other hand, gives us more character, more of a masochistic glory. We're on a cross, but we fight through. We're in a hole, but we try to climb back up. We have a look of deep pain and old scars etched on our faces, and its coined experience. Its life. We yearn for it.

We can love our misery. We can come to terms with it. Without it, what have we lived? We dislike happiness. We hate its guts. Its got no right to be there. So useless. So narrow, so dull, and so pathetic. Happiness has nothing to offer us. No martyrdom. We all like a good martyr.

The world has become complicated and dangerous. There are so many hazardous and life-threatening things all around us - chemical weapons, nuclear missiles, Osama bin Laden, extra cheese extra large french fries - that it's very easy to forget the small things that matter.

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

TOW The Non-Cooperative Shoe Lace

Strange and weird things are happening. Things that have no explicable reason. Things that the world, as we know it, cannot contemplate. Things that are adding, in their own way, a little drop to the ocean of chaos taking us over. These things, they happen slowly. They sneak up on us with minor, subtle changes to our environment gradually over time, so we notice little if we're not vigilant. Then, one bright morning, you find yourself engulfed, hopelessly trapped, suddenly immersed in a quicksand of weird and strange occurrences, of ajeeb-o-gareeb ghatnayein and you wonder how it all began.

It all began I dont have a clue when. But now, I find myself afflicted by this one strange, weird and, what is even stranger and weirder, daily ridiculous occurrence. Let me begin from the beginning of all things. A preamble is a must.

Most people you would happen to speak to in your average day would agree, without hesitation, that when one thinks of efficiency and of efficient, competent, smart, good-looking, charming, brilliantly fantastic and outrageously super young men, one is in effect thinking of C&B*. And even if they dont say so, as many people do so love living their denials, they do agree I'm quite good, quite good. I dont just do things. I do them superlatively. Its like my hands hold magic. Its just basically wonderful and all that, most things about me.

* first instance of reference to self in pseudonymised third person. symptom to malignant growth in the gland of ego. but notices all by himself too. suggests a slight potential to curing himself.

So it came as a great surprise, a few days ago, when walking down the street briskly, I felt a certain loosening of the grip close to my ankles. Upon closer inspection, I discovered, to eyebrow-raising surprise, that one of my shoelaces was undone. Not thinking much of it then, I casually tied it and went on.

Mistake, I see now in retrospect. I slighted it away. It was the weird and strange thing that would keep hitting me in the near future. And here's whats happened. For the past week or so, every single day, after I walk out after having showered and clothed and combed and generally made myself spanking bright, its happens. I walk a couple of hundred odd steps, carefree and joyous, when my foot suddenly nearly slips off my shoe. Every day. Every bloody morning. Now I cant stop it. I could haveAlzheimer's working on me. I'm not vigilant. I forget the past day's events. I forget about the strange (and weird) mystery of the untied shoelace in the morn.

I seek help. What must I do? Should I change the laces? Change the knot? If so, which knot to knot? And which to not knot? Or, for that matter, which not knot to?? *just trying different permutations. never mind*

So, if you think you can be of help. Kindly write in. Or do you have a similar-ish bubble of evil lurking around your life? Ooh. Come come. Lets discuss that. I'm sure its more fun.

Monday, May 07, 2007

How Bollywood Is Taking Over Hollywood

With great power, comes great responsibility.

So he smiles at cameras, jumps around to save bimbo models from buildings spliced by mad cranes on the run, then forgets about the crane itself and flies away to tumultuous applause from a crowd which has also promptly forgotten about the crane on the loose and the man a 100 floors above, sitting and trying to operate inside it.

But thats okay! Come now! Its Spidey! He's our hero! We give him the key to the city! We put him on electronic billboards! We have a goddamned parade in his honour, we have so little to do in life! In fact we love him so much, that when our wonderful colourful parade is interrupted by a sandmonster who flies around and steals bank money and whoops our hero's behind, we still put the parade and a Spidey-Bimbo kiss on headlines the next day!

The world is a happy place, full of lovely innocent people. No one is bad. We are all just wronged. Sandman loves his daughter and wants money to pay for her operation. Venom is just a poor opportunistic kid who wants revenge for his humiliation. Aww! Goblin Junior wants vengeance for his father's death. Spiderman gets an alter ego, even more gay than the first. So what is it that we get.

We get an action-drama. We get a saga of love and betrayal and loyalty and friendship and effeminate behaviour (from guys) and tears and cold cold voices spouting revenge and screams and shrieks and more tears and a last scene shamelessly ripped off from every hindi movie there ever has been. Friend saves former best friend's life, takes two-pointed spear through his own body, chitchats with friend's girlfriend while friend tearfully finishes off the bad guys, then slowly dies as friend + gf pour glycerine tears over his body.

Karan Johar secretly made this movie.
Its true, its true. It has to be. It all fits.

Dont dont dont go to see it. Not if you still love the concept of superhero. Not if you thought evil villains need to be atleast the two things - evil and villainous. Not if...Or wait. Go for it. There arent any comedies running anyway. And you can see Toby Maguire trying to dance and be an alpha-male. Joy! Oh joy! Go go.

Wednesday, May 02, 2007

8 Random Facts About Me

As one tags, so shall he be tagged back. This is the inevitable cycle. To escape, seek nirvana. Else, get jiggy with it and comply. - Ancient Chinese Proverb.

The following tag has been viciously projected at me, by the dangerously vengeful, evil criminal mastermind of our time and age. Flaff! *checks to see if the name instils fear in the heart of all readers*

Hmm...Anyway. On with it.

1. I have a thing for license plates. I immediately add up the numbers and divide that by the number of numbers. I then also get irked and am generally irritated for the rest of the day if the sum is a prime and does not sweetly divide to give a number of my liking. I do this involuntarily whenever I'm in the front seat of a car, and it absolutely amazes the otherwise weak mathematical part of my brain to see itself add and divide most accurately, even to decimal places, within the space of a few milliseconds.

It also absolutely amazes my stash of common sense, how the result unfailingly always gets me either happy and cheery or glum and snappy. Its inexplicable!

2. I am afraid of heights. I cannot even look straight down from a 2nd floor verandah. Standing at the edge of a 10 feet tall stage once scared me so much that evil people would join together to push me towards the edge every now and then, just to see me struggle against them and scurry for dear life, and whimper and all that.

When I look down, I feel that the air around me has suddenly thickened and is slowly pushing me over. My feet are being lifted up and I'm going to keel over any moment now. Thats when I yelp slightly and jump back.

3. I love it when I'm dead tired at the end of a long jog. I feel successful. I'm so happy I feel like doing another victory lap. But dead tired means there's a good chance I'll fall to my doom in the middle of it, so I dont. I love walking back after that, dripping in sweat, because then I feel the cool breeze a little more so.

4. I can now successfully play Nothing Else Matters. Not to mention Behind Blue Eyes and Wish You Were Here. Haha. All the easy ones.

5. I love, and I hate, being alone. At different times of course, else I'd be too complex for even myself. I like walking alone. I can never eat alone. I like reading and writing without anyone else around. I hate coming up with a joke, and having no one to hear it. Almost always, it doesnt sound as good later on.

6. I hate it when floors are tiled in large squares. Suddenly I feel a compulsion to step on only one tile at a time. The other foot must not fall on the same tile. A foot on a tile must be properly snugly inside it. It should not, repeat should not, touch the boundary or intrude into another tile.

No, I'm not like Jack Nicholson. My smile is very endearing and, and, and...human.

7. I'm strange with stairs. Walking up, I always take them two at a time. One at a time seems ridiculously slow.

And going down. If you graphed my velocity against displacement, you'd get a straight line of very high slope. I accelerate very rapidly as I descend.

8. I give a very nice raised eyebrow. I also possess a highly advanced condescending smile. My white lies are frequent and often undetectable under even radar. I dont immediately realize it when I crack a gem of a joke. I once killed a lion with a single stroke of my sword.