Thursday, June 21, 2007

Things Happen

I went roaming about the metropolis today. You learn a great many things, I realize, just roaming about gathering experiences here and there. Yup. No shit. You grow wiser and everything. Here, in itsy-bitsy, suggestively profound and making-you-wish-your-life-held-such-vivid-experiences-ish form, is exactly what I've learnt (using bullets today, for I find I dont usually use that and its so not fair to its grammarian inventor). And I'm bunging in a few other points observed around of late.

  • Shopping is fun only when you already know exactly what you're going to buy. And you really really want it. I went to sift through electric guitars today at Braganza's. Actually a friend of mine wanted to purchase one, and I strolled along as guide, philosopher and friend. Casually ignoring what he bought or didnt, I played an expensive as anything Ibanez. He seemed quite satisfied with his purchase. I am most definitely pleased myself to have been in such esteemed company as 20,000+ ka guitars.

  • Do NOT wear red and go to Oxford. Unless you really are working at the store. I made the fatal mistake today. Apparently, it doesnt matter what you're doing. As long as you're in red, you're inevitably going to be confused with the store-staff. My first encounter was while I was reading a book on a couch. Reading as I lounged on a couch! Does anything about this suggest staff? Do all singularly impressive people in such positions give off strange reassuring vibes of "service with a smile"? I looked up at the person, and just shrugged, raising my eyebrows at him rather strongly. He apologized and scampered off.
    Then as I walking about, picking out random books, and browsing through the pages, a woman asked me where the books on architecture were. So its quite normal for bookstore staff to spend their time flipping through pages every now and then, I suppose. This time I humoured her mistaken judgment, by smiling broadly with a Im-going-to-wait-until-you-realize-you-just-made-poo-poo-missy look on my face, until she slapped herself and walked off shaking her head.
    [Note: I really should keep a list of witty and/or sarcastic quotes for use on such occasions. Its not good to be so short-changed for quick words at such golden opportunities when its others doing embarrassing things. I should have atleast had the sense to show the woman around and then casually dropping in that I'm just a customer. Maybe she'll be mighty impressed by my show of Indian hospitality and wit and general impressiveness and bequeath unto me half her kingdom. Its possible, its possible. She could even have a beautiful, single daughter lined up for lots of money in the will.]

  • Barista's takeaway coffee is never very good. And they give you this rather unbecoming, large straw too which just does not go with it. Shall stick to CCD henceforth.

  • After a period of over a year, I had lunch at Bar-B-Q. *pauses so as to let the depth of the statement sink in* Not counting the lunch I had there three days ago. Same goes for the BBQ Special soup. It was exactly as I had thought it would be. A most relishing experience, which I shall ne'er forget, nor stop informing people about in great detail and with greater enthusiasm. Who knows when I shall next receive a bowlful, eh? The place also still has the same aristocratic two people standing at the top of the stairs, to usher people in with smiles and butler-like sangfroid.

  • With clockwork regularity, I find television and news provide me with pointers as to how the world has gone off its collective nut. I havent been in proximity to television for about 6 months, since I dont see any at college. And now, all I see everywhere is soap operas involving lots of glycerine, lots of double, triple and poly takes, sepia tinting, red or yellow hues periodically engulfing the screen in slow motion form, and the same damn wretched excuse of a storyline. Everywhere! Even on the few Bengali channels I skimmed past! Indian television isnt worth a 10 rupee note torn in half and then used as toilet paper.
    Speaking, disgustingly enough (and my associative thinking here is even more disgusting), of toilet paper, which leads to toilet usage, which leads to frequent toilet usage, which leads to causes, which leads to over eating, which leads to fat people, which leads to really really fat people, there's another reality show I noticed. Sunil Shetty doles out the garbage. Its called "Biggest Loser Jeetega", and its about fat people out to lose weight. With a vengeance. It really hooks you on you know. I was watching this end-week weight check episode, when the people see who lost how much. One woman burst into tears, she was so scared. I would have told her she should be happy there's a weighing machine thats willing to take her on, and be positive about things, but then Sunil Shetty has his way. He flexed some muscles in her direction, gave reassuring soothing words of encouragement in his tender and soft voice, and soon enough she allowed a truck to tow her towards the machine. I am being a bit too mean here. And Blue team was winning over Red team. Here's the thing. They made the guys take off their shirts before weighing in. So you get a good nice look at their ungainly 125+ kilo bodies. In Before and After snaps. This was only for the guys mind you. Not the women involved of course, because that would be mocking and insulting, typical of our male chauvinistic piggy society. Of course. Anyway, that wasnt all that filled up our screen. We had gripping statistics too. Consider, Blue team had percentage weight loss of 1.71% compared to Red teams 1.58%! Daayyaaamn! Red team ended up having to chuck one contestant out. Everyone cried; the very people who voted her out. They'd all become great gymming-buddies or something I suppose. A Scorpio came to carry the losing contestant away from the isolated weight-loss camp. I am being very mean.
    Elsewhere in the world, Monty Panesar is actually making a difference to the world of cricket! He contributed in England's series-clinching victory. They actually couldnt have done it without him!

  • Today I read the first few pages of the following books and indiscriminately discarded each one - The Inheritance of Loss, My Name Is Red, and A House For Mr. Biswas. Each one by a celebrated author and each a bestseller. I wonder if this indicates to some sort of illness in me. I found myself, however, returning over and over to the humor section and taking turns to drool at The Blandings Omnibus and The Complete Yes Minister and Yes Prime Minister. Both of which are extremely desireable, as well as a tad expensive. Notice how I subtly inform you of my surprise gift choices. (Also included: iPhone, Led Zep concert videos, and Carmen Electra) I shall pretend I never said anything. You may take credit for having thought of the gift yourself. I will coo appropriately enough about your thoughtfulness and great insight into twisted minds and generosity.

Sigh. I'm so full with all this wisdom and gaining worldly knowledge, my head acheth. I shall sleep.

As an excuse to start this aadaan-pradaan of gifts, I present to you this. Look.

4 comments:

Dhruv said...

Hmm.. mistaken for a staff twice?? How could you endure that?
Maybe you should just take employment over there for the summers..
God is trying to speak to you!

Confused & Baffled said...

pshhaw! dont be stupid. i also happened to make both of them feel perfectly ridiculous. what if one, or both, were to return and see me actually employed? they would be oh so completely rid of their shame.

Dhruv said...

You did?
Pah!
If you were employed over there, the next time they'd walk in, you could take them into a tight embrace and thank them for giving you the idea of employment over there and a wide smile would appear upon their faces and they'd take out a 50-rupee note and give it to you as aashirvaad and then you could take those 2 fifty rupee notes and make it into a hundred and go to a subway and eat a subway and write a long and painful blog entry about it..
See? It would work out soo well!

kyra said...

*collapses*