Nevermind-ing away what may have been good advice, I shall post it. My 2nd fictional thing, this is, after a long time. I dont do much of fiction. Not that this place has ever had, or is likely to have, any resemblance to any person living or sleeping, or all that many places. But still, this is a story, which is something I usually dont do.
*gathers up the defenses nervously* So, here goes.
“Believe me,” he said softly. “Its going to be okay.”
“You still believe that, do you?” she asked half mockingly and half wonderingly, “I cant anymore. I’m sick of it! And I’m tired. I’m just too tired to go on like this.”
This couldn’t be happening, he thought. No. It wasn’t happening. He just needed to give it some more time. Keep the words flowing. She would come around. Of course she would.
“Look. I don’t know what to really say, or do. I’m really very sorry. But it will be fine – ”
“Don’t keep doing that. Don’t you understand one bit? I know it all already!”
He could still work it. He knew he could. He felt the confidence, which said this would be fine. So he smiled again, his winning smile, that first thing that had worked for him.
“Why don’t you calm down? Lets slow down. Not rush things. I mean, anger wont help na?”
He paused to look at her face. For some clue that he would win. She gave away nothing.
“No, it wont. Nothing will help. Go away.”
Why was she being so stubborn this time? Almost like she really wouldn’t… No, he shuddered. That wouldn’t happen. He couldn’t let it happen. He had to work something. He had to think fast, speak faster.
“I don’t understand you. Whats the matter? What do you want?”
He regretted those words the moment they came out. It wasn’t planned. They’d just slipped. It wasn’t his way.
“You want to know huh? You want to know? Now you do?”
“No no! That’s not what I mean. I slipped…I didn’t mean it like that. Wait! Look! Its just…Its just…”
“Its just nothing. What’s the matter? Cant talk your way out? I know you too well now. Listen to me, for once. It wont work anymore.”
“It will! I mean…what am I even trying to work? What are you talking about?”
He was losing. He couldn’t. How so suddenly? Looking back at their past few months, he couldn’t see anything. Nothing wrong. He swallowed. Unless he really strained, he couldn’t even see anything. But that thought was suppressed, before it strengthened enough. He had to try again.
“I don’t get this. I know its my fault. But I’m really very sorry. Why don’t you see that for once? It will be fine. Its not that big.”
It wasn’t working. He could see that very clearly now. Her face didn’t have any compassion, or hurt, or sadness. It was set, not because she was straining to have it so, but because she really didn’t care. How? He felt a weakness in his knees. He stumbled, and supported himself against the wall. He was actually going to lose out.
“Why do you think its about winning or losing? Its not supposed to be a game. Its supposed to be far too big for that. That’s what you said. You always said it was so big and so important. And you always joked about it too, didn’t you? You turned it around and around, keeping me swirling so I didn’t see anything. Now you cant have it back.”
He was losing. He couldn’t help it. He laughed. She knew him, even if he couldn’t tell her at all. It was a game. He’d always made it so. Nothing less, and nothing at all more. It hadn’t worked though. The rules didnt involve him being hurt like this. It should not have hurt. He was at a loss for words. It was a rare feeling, that. It left him defenseless and bare. He shivered.
“So, goodbye. Don’t bother with the cheap tricks. You’ll just run out and feel depressed with yourself.”
The goddamit of it was that she was so right, right till the end. He walked away, grimly anticipating the depressing days ahead. What would he do? He needed to work something. But what? His head was a furious blank. He had to do something.
And she walked away, praying for him to stop doing this to himself.