Everybody says I've changed. Or that I'm changing. Well, my good close friends also of course say lots of other things like I'm a cheapskate, a cracker of lame ones and saaddd jokes, a horrible atheist, scaredy-cat, OCD patient, and what not else. But the ones who have known me for a while now, take that run around and always come back to the same point. That I've changed, or am actively changing.
When I ask if its for the better or worse, they say they can't say. Hmm. So not only am I changing, but its also one of those mysterious, we-dont-know-many-details-but-its-happening-for-sure kind of processes. Like armageddon, melting of the ice-caps, and WW3. Like I'm afflicted by an unknown, possibly dangerous and volatile illness. *feels cool and stuff*
Its made me a bit curious about myself now. I shall proceed to examine the hitherto ignored, but eternally hyped and revered contents of my active consciousness. The best way for it that I can think of is rummage through what I've been seeing, hearing, reading, doing and kicking.
I observe things quite differently nowadays. I talk very little sometimes, and listen to absolutely nothing at all. Those periods of resting one's mind by creating a temporary complete vacuum inside? They come to me quite often and irritatingly so. Usually when I'm in company of chatterboxes, who obviously get offended. Like when I say Eh, what? Pardonne, mademoiselle? to the guy who's enriched my previous few minutes, talking of his troubles and misfortunes and other trivia I care nought for.
I notice a lot of ineptitude everywhere, and especially in places of authority. It upsets me now, unlike before. I used to shrug it off, or adjust to it. I'm immune and somewhat distant from it in a while. I used to be so bothered and fretful later, before. I see the ineptitude of several teachers. I see the gloriously garlanded and exquisitely exhibited tomfoolery of my hostel warden, and I wonder just how many degrees of man God has created. They're like great big walls relentlessly guarding their minds and brains from the sun. It doesnt matter how much you beat against those walls.
I listen to a very select mix of songs. Most of it stuff I didn't hear when I was in school, or even till a few months back. A couple of songs by each artist, instead of entire albums and collections. There's Jimi Hendrix (All Along The Watchtower), Led Zeppelin (Rain Song, Stairway, Over The Hills), Metallica (Unforgiven II), RHCP (Can't Stop). A few more, but I cant recall now.
I behave quite differently now I suppose. I'm somewhat ruder sometimes. In the sense, I have little patience with some people. Needless to say they're not very happy with this, but the real strange bit is that I dont care enough to bother with that. Maybe, thats really rude and uncouth and the evil lurking in me. There are friends with whom I've lost some degrees of intimacy. I'm not as close to them as I was. I regret that a bit.
I want to do a lot of things. I think I know what they are. But I'm not getting started. Which feels a lot worse than it ever did before.
Oh, and I'm judgmental too. I judge things. By my own standards of right and wrong, of okay and whaat-you-did!?, and of admirable and worthless. So now you know I read Ayn Rand. Not wanting to sound cliched, or pseudo-this or -that, I believe in it simply because it makes a lot of common sense. And it requires effort and achievement, rather than continuing the same manner and adjusting. I like to believe its all true and possible. My boldly-going-nowhere-at-all-at-full-throttle life needs some sort of fixed point ahead.
I do crack good jokes sometimes, you know. I'm not completely lost to you, dont worry.
And I'm happier now, than I was before.
And thats that.
And I'm re-reading Catch-22.
Claimer: This post contains, I think, the most number of 'I's ever put by me in any post. Aside from the tag some posts back. You are fully expected to go ahead and be as critical, cynical, bash him up now! and sarcastic as you wish. We are all just prisoners here of our own device. Hee hee.
There you go. I laugh like a girl too.