Thursday, February 22, 2007

Doing The Magellan

Everybody says I've changed. Or that I'm changing. Well, my good close friends also of course say lots of other things like I'm a cheapskate, a cracker of lame ones and saaddd jokes, a horrible atheist, scaredy-cat, OCD patient, and what not else. But the ones who have known me for a while now, take that run around and always come back to the same point. That I've changed, or am actively changing.

When I ask if its for the better or worse, they say they can't say. Hmm. So not only am I changing, but its also one of those mysterious, we-dont-know-many-details-but-its-happening-for-sure kind of processes. Like armageddon, melting of the ice-caps, and WW3. Like I'm afflicted by an unknown, possibly dangerous and volatile illness. *feels cool and stuff*

Its made me a bit curious about myself now. I shall proceed to examine the hitherto ignored, but eternally hyped and revered contents of my active consciousness. The best way for it that I can think of is rummage through what I've been seeing, hearing, reading, doing and kicking.

I observe things quite differently nowadays. I talk very little sometimes, and listen to absolutely nothing at all. Those periods of resting one's mind by creating a temporary complete vacuum inside? They come to me quite often and irritatingly so. Usually when I'm in company of chatterboxes, who obviously get offended. Like when I say Eh, what? Pardonne, mademoiselle? to the guy who's enriched my previous few minutes, talking of his troubles and misfortunes and other trivia I care nought for.

I notice a lot of ineptitude everywhere, and especially in places of authority. It upsets me now, unlike before. I used to shrug it off, or adjust to it. I'm immune and somewhat distant from it in a while. I used to be so bothered and fretful later, before. I see the ineptitude of several teachers. I see the gloriously garlanded and exquisitely exhibited tomfoolery of my hostel warden, and I wonder just how many degrees of man God has created. They're like great big walls relentlessly guarding their minds and brains from the sun. It doesnt matter how much you beat against those walls.

I listen to a very select mix of songs. Most of it stuff I didn't hear when I was in school, or even till a few months back. A couple of songs by each artist, instead of entire albums and collections. There's Jimi Hendrix (All Along The Watchtower), Led Zeppelin (Rain Song, Stairway, Over The Hills), Metallica (Unforgiven II), RHCP (Can't Stop). A few more, but I cant recall now.

I behave quite differently now I suppose. I'm somewhat ruder sometimes. In the sense, I have little patience with some people. Needless to say they're not very happy with this, but the real strange bit is that I dont care enough to bother with that. Maybe, thats really rude and uncouth and the evil lurking in me. There are friends with whom I've lost some degrees of intimacy. I'm not as close to them as I was. I regret that a bit.

I want to do a lot of things. I think I know what they are. But I'm not getting started. Which feels a lot worse than it ever did before.

Oh, and I'm judgmental too. I judge things. By my own standards of right and wrong, of okay and whaat-you-did!?, and of admirable and worthless. So now you know I read Ayn Rand. Not wanting to sound cliched, or pseudo-this or -that, I believe in it simply because it makes a lot of common sense. And it requires effort and achievement, rather than continuing the same manner and adjusting. I like to believe its all true and possible. My boldly-going-nowhere-at-all-at-full-throttle life needs some sort of fixed point ahead.

I do crack good jokes sometimes, you know. I'm not completely lost to you, dont worry.

And I'm happier now, than I was before.

And thats that.

And I'm re-reading Catch-22.


Claimer: This post contains, I think, the most number of 'I's ever put by me in any post. Aside from the tag some posts back. You are fully expected to go ahead and be as critical, cynical, bash him up now! and sarcastic as you wish. We are all just prisoners here of our own device. Hee hee.

There you go. I laugh like a girl too.


wiseling said...

If nothing ever changed, there'd be no butterflies.

kyra said...

okay firstly, hmmmm

as long as you're happy, who cares about how you've changed or what you've changed into or when you changed?

I just read Anju's Sun,Shine post. I guess that should explain the above comment.

nu_vania said...

well i've known u 4 just 6 months or so n the only change i've noticed is that ur happier than before n that u smile more often!and hey i laugh at all ur jokes!evn at the mean ones directed at me!blame me 4 encoraging ur lame jokes!!lol..

Revealed said...

Y'know this is totally spooky! I was just talking to another blogger about you!!!!! And we had a godawful argument about whether you would change or not!!!!! Talk about coincidences :D

(Also happy to know I'm vindicated!!!)

Confused & Baffled said...

@wiseling: yes exactly. imagine no butterflies.

@kyra & nu_vania: yup i suppose you're right.

@revealed: clairvoyance is among my many varied talents, yes. lol. who was this argument with may i know? and who was on which side?

anju christine said...

i can bear u wen ur happy :)

u suddenl seem lik a good boy, yay!

kyra said...

(note to Anju: *clears her throat*
One musn't jump into conclusions, my dear girl)

Confused & Baffled said...

@anju: oh but im always a good boy. whatever do you mean?

@kyra: *clears his throat at HER*

Nupur Jain said...

seriously, that answers for a lot of questions even we have about you.... we meaning my roomies and i. "why does he act so weirdly? why is he so moody? what's so screwed up in his mind?" ok, so now, we'll know- you are changing.

Confused & Baffled said...

@nupur: hmm...

kyra said...

*hastily tries to turn it into a cough*