Tuesday, April 17, 2007

In Pursuit Of Less Confusedness

I hate it. Its fun sometimes. Its blissful sometimes. Its a relief quite often. But then come times like these...

Confusion aint that cool. Neither is being baffled, for that matter. But never mind that, because I'm not kidding here. Its confusing when you dont know how to react. Its confusing when you dont know what is right to say. It confuses me when I look inside me for what I want to say, and I draw up a blank. Its confusing me right now when I dont know what views I have. It confuses me when I doubt my friends. Its confusing when I dont show if I should be loyal and have faith in them, or wait for better cleaner judgment. Its confusing because I dont know who to talk to. It confuses me because I'm not repulsed, though I'd always thought I would be. I'm confused. I'm quite comprehensively baffled.

I dont know if I'm angry. Or if I'm shocked into silence. I dont know if I'm really okay, or is it just an automatic, now reflexive, warding mechanism. I dont know how concerned I am. I dont know if thats because I'm cold, or because I dont mind. I dont know if I should mind, and sometimes I wonder if its my place to mind. Even if it is, what should I do? I dont know what I should do. I dont know if there's anything now to be done. Its all past. I dont know if its all past, or there's things I dont know about. I will learn later. I dont really know if I want to learn later.

I dont know what my idea of great friendship is. I'm confused about whether I live upto it. I wonder how many people I've chased away, how many I've pushed away and how many just thought I was great as long as from a distance. I dont know how many friends more I shall make. I mean real friends. I dont know if I'm a real friend to many anymore. I dont know whats changed about me. I know only something has. I dont know if its wrong, really. I'm confused, thanks to the mixed opinions I get.

I dont know how to structure my mind. Its a maze growing only larger and more confusing. I've lost the map to it. The fragment that remains ...*sigh*... is only just a fragment.

Its confusing because its not about me, any of this. Its a friend, whom I'm bothered to hell about. I dont know if I really need to be.

I'm a bit of a confused mess right now in my head.

*wonders if they can notice that in their awestruck joy at just seeing a new post here in the shrine*

(sigh) And I guess this self-mockery wont ever go away. But whatever. I shall just publish.

8 comments:

Revealed said...

Publish away. And sometimes it helps to just get it all out. Can I help?

sporadicblogger said...

I sympathise. I've been there.

Jayashree Bhat said...

This has to be a post with the maximum number of 'I don't know's.
I have changed a lot in college. Changed like crazy. And I don't give a damn if it's for the better or not. Coz I'm definitely happy. Maybe selfish, but happy.
I don't know if I can ever be honest enough to write a post like this one.

Confused & Baffled said...

@revealed: its okay.

@koyel: i'd been wondering if the pseudonym C&B was still relevant to me. i guess it very much is.

@jayashree: my lady, im the person with the maximum number of i dont knows in his life. i like the selfishness. its how i've changed too. maybe we should hang out more. selfish people united? what say?

Jayashree Bhat said...

@Nishant,
Interesting to hear that you like the selfishness.
Yeah, maybe we should hang out more. (More? When did we ever hang out??)

anju christine said...

dis post..... dont think i cud ever profess how confused i am in better words.... y do v have to b so eternally confused... so lost... so .....

sporadicblogger said...

Nishant- at some level, aren't we all?

Nupur Jain said...

oh god, not another similarity... megha and utsav can write a book...