Why do you insist on making the most horrible mess of your food when you eat? Why does it have to be a volcanic formation of rice to begin with (the role of bubbling, molten lava henceforth to be played by dal)? Why does it end up scattered all over the place by the end of it all, like some absolutely huge, catastrophic eruption? Why are your hands covered in dal and bits of rice all the way to your elbows? Why must you make even the most gorgeous food ugly and terminally harmful to the sensitive eye?
Is it a strange sort of habit? That everything that must be beautiful and pretty and attractive and, if possible, smoking hot be turned into anything fat, repelling, and hideously ugly? Is that then the deal with your actresses in your Sandalwood movie industry? (thats what they call it, honestly)
You do realize I only ask because I'm finally frustrated and utterly at an utter loss to understand any sort of reasoning behind this? Why, why, why are they so big?? Why must they all be so indiscriminately fugly? Don't you know what fugly means? Is it some law somewhere that a leading lady can only become one if she possesses the qualities, the ruthlessness, the naturally suiting facial expression and the stomach capacity to eat away her entire competition?
Why are the guys so weird, so strange, so odd, so unfitting, so...Why are they now so ugly too? Why must they too be hideous? What is all this rigmarole? Some horribly messed up scheme to attract masses by showing them a creature clearly more abominable, but totally getting some over-the-top-cheek-pecking-running-around-dumbfuck-trees-while-fat-hippopotamuses-dance-around-him action? Is it really necessary, that big hairy moustache? Is it mandatory that the hero look worse than most villains' sidekicks? Is it compulsory for the hero to always only barely fit into his pseudo-70s line of apparel? Do you really just want me to feel even I could become a hero now? That so degenerate is my world? Or is it a compassionate measure on your gracious part to make me feel better about myself and my ilk?
Why is this damned film industry, called (and I re-iterate) Sandalwood, exactly 20 years behind Bollywood? Why is everyone draped in the fashion explosion brought about by the likes of an ageing Jeetendra, and a spirited-and-dashing-if-he-wasnt-carrying-that-tummy-around Govinda? Why do the girls wear frocks to college? Why do the guys don multicoloured lycra fit trousers? Why do the guys have great giant beards sometimes? Why do the girls have (traces of) great giant beards sometimes?
When I watch your television at railway platforms, only to get away from the unearthly noise the lady over the microphone is making I assure you, why does everything seem the same? How is it that everything is being sold/marketed/advertised in the exact same way? Be it an advertisement for a washing machine, or an invitation to a bumper sale carnival at a mall, why must everything have a huge song and dance with orchestra and dance-troupe complete?
And finally, why oh why oh why does your language have to be so outrageously alien?
I think you're conning us all, you people of South India. Hmm. Trying to get back for how the Aryans first made you run down south in shock and awe, cheated in the end as you realized the road was getting narrower and narrower and oh damn it thats what they meant by 'peninsula'?
Pretty sneaky that.