A multitude of cameramen begin clicking photographs as the bereaving C&B, looking grim yet still so dapper I must say, appears through the doorway. He is dressed in a grave navy blue suit and black trousers. The tie is matching. As are the socks. He takes his seat on the podium, his lawyer beside.
The press conference seems about to begin now. Let us join our press crew and see what he has to say about the incident which has so shocked the world.
*shuffling of seats as famous reporters from across the world stumble into their places*
Reporter #1: Could Mr. &B confirm the news about the abuse charges? Is it true that on the morning of March the 5th, he was indeed involved in... Well?
Reporter #2: And what exactly have been the ramifications? Is there substantial physical abuse?
Reporter #3: And the rumors about your having collapsed soon afterwards! We want a statement!
Lawyer: Yes well, before your questions, if I may speak.
A lot of talk has been generated about what occurred on the said instance. I am here, as supporting counsel to Mr. &B, to dispel the exaggerated rumours making the rounds.
And in the process I shall endeavour to provide the real truth about the incident which took place. I would also request the members of the press to exercise restraint in the precocity of their questioning, keeping in mind the delicate emotional status of my client. Your questions will be answered suitably once we issue our statement.
C&B: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I will try to keep this as short and simple as possible.
On Wednesday morning, the 5th of March 2008, I proceeded to give my Maths first sessional exam. I had studied what I could. And I had no idea of what was to follow. That this was to follow.
*wipes away a lone tear*
I sat there, in my innocence, not knowing what lay ahead. Not even knowing what it was that was developing around me. The pseudopodia that were engulfing us all who sat there. We just didnt see it. Then as I faced sum after sum, blow after blow, I realized all too late my inescapable situation. The paper, it, was raping me. For an hour my ordeal lasted. For an excruciating period of one hour, I was brutally and savagely assaulted by a paper whose might and whose strength I had not imagined.
I was violated.
Who's your daddy?, it asked me in a mocking tone. Who's your daadddy?
I tried my best to deny it, to fight back. It merely laughed. My struggles remained in vain. Overpowered, and drained of all my resilience, I admitted between quiet sobs - Bessel's function is.
The evil laughter crashed around my world. It was all that remained of my senses. The sound of that derisive laugh, and the pain.
Who's your daddy??, it asked me again, more rapturously this time. I could offer no resistance. Baye's Theorem of Probability integrated with Set Theory is, I whimpered back.
I begged and I pleaded. It wouldnt listen. I tried to gain some ground fighting back as I could. I think I conquered half a sum on probability. I dont remember. I may have lost that too. The monster had subjugated me completely.
Lawyer #1: Do you want to drink some water? You dont have to go through with it immediately. Perhaps another time?
C&B: No. Its alright. I'm almost done. Except...
I must make clear my own intentions. My conscience would never forgive me if I didnt. I must be honest. I went in with intentions of physical domination on my mind too.
I wanted to fuck the Math paper. To rape it even. I had dreamed of it that way through many a night. I thought I had it planned. I would corner it. I would give it no chance to get away. It would be my bitch. With my lust, my vigour and the speed of my intrepid integration skills, I would consume it. I would come outside then, flushed and joyous and victorious, and tell everyone around how I had raped it. How I had fucked it!
I suppose...*sob* life doesnt exactly...work...*sob* *sob* how...wethinkitwill!
*bursts into tears and uncontrolled shoulder-shakey-shakey crying*
Reporter #2: Sir...sir...If you could please tell us -
Lawyer: I am sorry. But for the sake of my client's emotional well-being, I shall have to end this press conference. Thank you for attending, ladies and gentlemen.