Saturday, January 05, 2008

Doing The Nana

Come evening, my house is inevitably gatecrashed by what must surely be the entire mosquito population of North Kolkata.

They come in all sorts of sizes. I've seen some so small I wasn't sure they'd hatched completely yet. Just sort of floated in as soon as they could get the wings flapping out. Assuming that they do indeed hatch. Do they?

Essentially, I'm a non-violent person. I believe in non-violence and truth-speak, on all matters (except on the subject of where you keep spending all your cash!? and similar slightly discreet points). I also believe that I have a shot with Carmen Electra, and nice positive things will develop to this end in the very near future. But thats not relevant. Just putting in a sidenote you see, in case you're curious and eager for knowledge.

Lots of people are. I know people who could get so enamored by certain points of a discussion, points that you and me would fly by without a second thought, that they could derail the entire agenda of the outline of the plan for the discussion at hand. And then of course you (by which I mean 'me') would want to beat them at their game, in yet another vain effort to ensure a complete victory of your argument and nothing less, and launch into that stream of point of topic of discussion yourself to show the guy that he's basically wrong about every single topic he deigns himself worthy of holding an opinion upon and that you, his dear friend, know everything under the sun and most things above it too so keep it to yourself and come back to what we were discussing in the first place. But then its too late for that now. You've already lost track, because obviously your trusted sidekick didnt keep minutes, and you find yourself facing a pissed off adversary who doesnt care about playing fair anymore. I mean you tried mocking him and insulting him and throwing him out of the window of the lodge to his death in the valley a 100m below, over such a meaningless side-topic mention that he happened to make, and he isnt sure if he appreciates your "friendly" discussion anymore. So things get very nicely and squarely derailed. But you still have fun with it. Side-topics can be awfully entertaining sometimes, much better to bash up and beat about than the usual main items of agenda we hold you know, which are consistently found to be boring issues of global concern and serious consideration.

Who wants that, right? Might as well talk about Calvin's alleged ADD in the comic strip which came up when we spoke about snide media mentions being used to reduce large topics of life down to ridiculous size, which came up when you were speaking of politicking tactics used these days to win a few claps and hoots in parliamentary debates, which came up when we were ranting on the lack of them in our country and how we could just rip our politicians apart if we ever got to challenge them on public forum in front of media audiences, which itself came about when we were ruing over the pathetic corruption that our politicians regularly get away with.
So I give you, political corruption in India or Calvin & Hobbes. You be the judge.

And what was it we were talking about? Backtrack a bit. Well, I do really believe Carmen and I share somewhat of a connection. I was confessing only yesterday evening to a friend about it. I feel something special. But I fear it might just be a bit too...bit too...physical. You get me? Nothing being particularly wrong with it of course. Nothing wrong at all. Quite nice in fact. Come to think of it, it sounds fairly super duper awesome. But still. As I said to him, the inner sweet cute nice awesome guy inside me (and please take notice for this be quite important, I assure you) craves for something more. What of the lovely walks by the beach-side, not necessarily followed by random wild acts of intercourse? What of that? What of the long evenings spent discussing philosophy and listening to soft music, to not be quite so mandatorily followed up by conjugal harmonies? What of winter nights spent watching movies and eating popcorn, sharing a loving look every once in a while with each other, followed by kinky love-making rituals only after the movie gets over? What of all that? I felt we wouldnt have much of that. And he agreed that yes, it would be quite a sorry and disagreeable state of affairs. Even offered to take her off my hands himself if such a need ever presented itself. Nice. That part is settled. The topic came up when we passed Carmen's awesomely sexy Maxim cover in a roadside newspaper stall. He went on to elaborate upon his own feelings of doubt and anxiety over the exact blessedness of the union were he to hitch up with long-time love Keira Knightley. In the spirit of chivalry and give and take, I offered to offer my own services should an unpleasant situation develop in the future. We've fixed all that up. And it feels like a huge burden has been lifted off my mind. I sighed a sigh of distinct relief.

But Carmen Electra isnt what I was talking about. It was a side-mention to the whole non-violent issue, which itself was an offshoot when we were talking about mosquito invasions in the motherland. I was just going to say that ultimately, much to my regret, I had to resort to physical extermination. The situation was getting unpleasant, and it was either me or them with my blood. Mosquitoes to my left and mosquitoes to my right, yet into the Valley of Death and Scratches I jumped into in my mad killing frenzy.

Dead, squished carcasses are now placed strategically about the house to warn further hordes. Some hang outside the verandah, with warning signs attached. Mosquitoes, ye be warned. Nothing better than some good shock value, I feel. Some other bodies adorn the walls. They are in squished state, with a slight trail of blood leading upto the body pasted against the wall. Other specially chosen deformed remains have been placed at my computer table and on the side-table near my bed.

There's no reason all this shouldnt work as well as any mosquite repellent. Seeing as how they have compound eyes to multiply their vision, every body should seem like a hundred. I'm assuming they have the ability to recognize their own dead hung up as trophies, and shall be able to add one and one. Its been an unpleasant experience, all this war and battle, and I dont want to have to don the army uniform again.

Dont make me.

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